How to Virtue Signal
An (UPDATED!) Guide to Winning Imaginary Points From Your Fellow Political Tribesmen
by James Corbett
corbettreport.com
March 30, 2025
I know what you're thinking right now: "What shopping bags should I use?"
And I know why you're thinking it: because you just read that exact question in The New York Times:
And I know why you're reading The New York Times: because you're an up-and-coming would-be member of the coastal liberal establishment and you want to signal to other members of that tribe that you're on their team.
And I know the mental pretzel knots you're twisting yourself into trying to answer that NYT question. Paper bags used to be better than plastic because they're biodegradable, right? But now they're . . . not? Because of how they're manufactured? Or something?
And I know why this question of paper or plastic bag is bothering you so much: not because you're concerned about the environment but because you know your fellow coastal hipster trendies will judge you for your choice. You know there's a right answer here, but you don't know what it is! AARGH!
Yes, as it turns out, virtue signalling is complicated. But never fear! This week I'm here to provide you with the complete guide to virtue signalling for your tribe of choice, whether you're a Bernie-cheering, woke progressive activist or a hopium-swilling, Trump-voting MAGA cap-wearer. With this guide in your hand, you'll never have to worry about accidentally signalling that you're on the other political team ever again!
And wait, there's more! This guide has been UPDATED! with all the latest information for 2025 because, as you know, the last several years have seen some pretty wild twists and turns in the standard left/right narrative.
And I know what you're thinking now: "I'd better subscribe to The Corbett Report so I can find out how to properly signal my (political) gang affiliations!"
Indeed!
Grocery bags
Yes, the age-old question of "paper or plastic" is an important one. How else will people know that you truly care about Mother Nature if you don't have the right answer to this question? So, what does the guide say?
What the guide says:
Paper, of course! Everyone knows paper biodegrades and is recyclable whereas plastic is a manmade monstrosity that stays in landfills for thousands of years and kills cute little sea turtles! Everyone who gives a hoot doesn't pollute with plastic bags, and if you see someone at the grocery store choosing plastic you should shame and shun him for the nature-hating, Big Oil-supporting greedy, selfish asshole that he so self-evidently is!*
*UPDATE! OK, it turns out the paper or plastic question is . . . well . . . complicated. Actually, it's "mind-boggling," according to the boffins over at How Stuff Works.
You see, when you calculate the greeny-weeniness of a product (yes, that's the scientific term), you have to take into account how that product is produced, how many resources are consumed in the creation of that product, where the product is manufactured and how it's transported, etc. And, when you factor those costs in, it turns out that standard polyethylene shopping bags not only have the smallest environmental footprint of any type of grocery bag (1/4 that of their paper counterparts) but paper bags are "significantly worse than the conventional [plastic] bag for human toxicity and terrestrial ecotoxicity due to the effect of paper production."
In other words, if you've chosen paper over plastic because you were trying to save the earth, you've been doing it wrong this whole time!
Tesla
Inquiring minds want to know: if you're a God-fearing, gun-totin', Trump-lovin' good ol' boy, should you buy a Tesla or will it hurt your macho man image?
What the guide says:
A Tesla? Seriously? What are you? Some kind of wussy? If you drive a Tesla, you're nothing but a liberal hipster who drinks soy lattes and listens to smooth jazz. Get out of here with that crap. Give me a diesel-guzzling, smokestack-sporting pickup that can roll coal any day of the week! Real conservatives troll Elon's Teslas, they don't drive them!*
*UPDATE! Teslas are awesome! But don't take it from me. Take it from Trump!
I'm going to buy and I'm going to buy because number one, it's a great product, as good as it gets. And number two, because this man has devoted his energy and his life to doing this, I think he's been treated very unfairly by a very small group of people. And I just want people to know that you can't be penalized for being a patriot, and he's a great patriot. And he's also done an incredible job with Tesla. And I mean, nobody else has a car company started up in the last 30 years that's been successful. I don't think so. And not only successful, but super successful. And because he's able to find billions and billions and billions of dollars of fraud and waste and all of the things. I mean, our country's going to be very strong very soon because of a lot of the things that he's done and a lot of the things that I'm doing.
Big Pharma
You're a good Hollywood lefty, aren't you? You want to use your celebrity to make a difference in the world, don't you? So, should you endorse Big Pharma or tell people to avoid their products?
What the guide says:
Any Hollywood liberal worth his or her salt is going to join the marches and rallies against Big Pharma. After all, the corporatocracy doesn't care about your health. They only care about profit. That's why Big Pharma has swapped out the healthy herbal medicines and remedies of our ancestors with their toxic chemical poisons. Green our vaccines! Down with the greedy fat cats and their dangerous pharmaceuticals!*
*UPDATE! Any Hollywood liberal worth his or her salt is going to go out of the way to post a vaccine selfie to Instagram and peer-pressure fans into rolling up their sleeves for Pfizer.
After all, the vaccines are totally safe and effective, and if you're not interested in taking them then you're killing grandma, you heartless monster! Big Pharma? Oh, sure, they've done some bad things in the past, but if you don't Trust The Science then you're a conspiracy theorist! And you wouldn't want to signal allegiance to that gang of misfits, would you?
Free Speech
You're a conservative who wants to signal your tribal affiliation to your fellow conservatives. So, what should your stance on free speech be?
What the guide says:
Only woke libtards and filthy globalists are in favour of censorship . . . and you're not a filthy libtard, are you? Of course you aren't! So stencil up your "conservatives will not be canceled" sign (or slip on your Free Speech Absolutist T-shirt) and go signal your passionate dedication to the noble cause of free speech, which (as Elon has taught us) means you have the right to say whatever you want without any consequences of any kind. Ever. Because that's how it rolls in the Land of the Free and if you don't like it you can go suck an egg, wokester!*
*UPDATE! Yes, free speech is great and all, but that doesn't mean you get the right to just go out there and say anything. What kind of weirdo would advocate that?
Read it and weep, liberals! Trump's back in power and taking "Forceful and Unprecedented Steps to Combat Anti-Semitism" by vowing to "investigate and punish anti-Jewish racism in leftist, anti-American colleges and universities"! Finally, someone's cracking down on those vicious Anti-Semites spreading their dangerous hate speech on college campuses. It's about time, too! After all, words have consequences, and freedom of speech DEFINITELY doesn't include the right to protest against Israel! Not in the US of A, anyway!
Just take notes from Elon "Free Speech Absolutist" Musk.
Appointing a World Economic Forum stooge who believes in throttling "lawful but awful" speech and supports censorship laws as CEO of Twitter? Check!
Ordering Twitter executives to censor critics of Musk and Twitter? Check!
Increasing Twitter compliance with government content takedown requests? Check!
Now THAT'S how you do free speech!
Fake Meat
You care about the environment. You're worried about climate change. But most importantly, you're concerned about what your friends will think of your dietary choices. What, then, should be your position on lab-made meat substitutes?
What the guide says:
Thanks to the glorious and crusading work of that arch-virtue signaller, His Royal Majesty King Charles III, you know that cow burps are an existential threat to humanity.
And you know that eating meat contributes to the problem. So, sure, you could signal your virtue to the climate cult by going vegan. But you know what would make an even bigger splash? Eating fake meat!
Sure, it's unnatural. Of course it's off-putting. Yes, it's completely unappetizing. But that's the point! Your willingness to chow down on these Frankenfoods just shows how much of a selfless environmental crusader you really are, and that's what really matters here!*
*UPDATE! Actually, it turns out lab-grown fake meat "could be 25 times worse for the climate than regular beef" because "the nutrient broth used to culture the animal cells has a large carbon footprint because it contains components like sugars, growth factors, salts, amino acids and vitamins that each come with energy costs." Who could possibly have guessed that such a perfectly straightforward process could actually be more resource-intensive than just raising livestock?
Oops! Sorry about that one, guys.
But here's a new way to signal your virtue at the dinner table: Eat Ze Bugs! It's even grosser than lab meat, so you'll earn even more brownie points from your greenie friends!
Yes, nothing signals your devotion to the climate cult harder than chomping down on crickets and mealworms! (Just ask Nicole Kidman.)
Brain Chips
OK, you've got your MAGA cap permanently affixed to your skull, and that's a good start for showing people how dedicated you are to the cause. But what should you have underneath the cap? Should you take the brain chip?
What the guide says:
Go away, globalist scum! We don't want your Fourth Industrial Revolution brain chip or any of the WEF mind control technology that surely comes with it! We are good, God-fearing conservatives who believe in tradition and the natural order of things, just as God created it. Anyone who takes the brain chip (i.e., the Mark of the Beast!) has undoubtedly sold their soul to Satan.*
UPDATE!: Oh man, Musk is owning the libs so hard with his super cool Neuralink. They wish they could produce something half as cool as monkeys playing pong with their mind. I mean, who cares what actually happened to the monkeys and who cares what's going to happen to the human guinea pigs that are already being wired up with brain chips!
Take Musk's Brain Chip to Own the Libs! - #NewWorldNextWeek
SHOW NOTES AND MP3: https://corbettreport.com/nwnw543/
Elon Musk is that cool space guy, and he's Dark MAGA, too! So you'd better be first in line when Neuralinks are on sale at your local Tesla dealer or you aren't a real conservative!
Virtue Signalling is Hard
Man, it's exhausting having to keep up with the latest virtue signals, isn't it?
I mean, the guide is nice and all, but wouldn't it be better if you could just do away with this intricate dance and live life the way you want without worrying about what "team" you might be mistaken for representing?
Oh wait! I have an even better idea! Why not just do ALL the virtue signals at the same time!
There! I'm sure that'll make everyone happy, right?
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